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That “Settling” Feeling

June 16, 2018

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“Be strong enough to let go, and patient enough to wait for what you deserve.” Author Unknown

Do you have that “settling” feeling?  

When I do, it usually means that I am selling myself short. And when I sell myself short (in other words settling for something less than what I need or think I deserve), sooner or later I end up feeling cheated, angry and resentful.

Look. In the total scheme of things, maybe settling doesn’t matter all that much when it comes to a commodity – an item of clothing, a holiday or a car. In 25 years you probably won’t even remember about it.

But, when it comes to a relationship – well, that’s a whole other thing, because settling, or making do, and a lifetime of satisfying love are two concepts that don’t fit easily together.

Here are some signs that you might be settling for less than what you need, desire or what is healthy in a relationship:

  When you are with someone that you are not deeply attracted to, you justify:  Well, attraction can grow with time. Maybe their other qualities will substitute for a lack of physical attraction on my part.

  When you are with someone who is emotionally unavailable, you tell yourself:  Some people have problems expressing their feelings. So, with my help, they will open up. After all, they just haven’t found the right person yet, someone they can trust with their feelings, someone like me.

  When you are with someone who has a dodgy relationship history – a pattern of short-term relationships and messy breakups – you think:  Well, no one’s perfect. Maybe with the right partner (me), they might see how good a relationship can be.

  When you are with someone who’s current financial situation is unstable, you tell yourself: Well, no one’s perfect. Maybe with the right partner (me), they might get motivated and find their direction in life.

  When you are with someone who has trouble meeting their commitments and obligations in life, you might reflect: Well, no one’s perfect.  Besides, I can help them meet their responsibilities.

  When you are with someone who is in active addiction, you tell yourself: Well, no one’s perfect. Maybe with the right partner (me), they might stop using and abusing their substance.

Of course. No one is flawless.

Maybe your new love is not the perfect physical specimen. Maybe your new love isn’t the high-powered, successful professional that you always dreamed of. But this person is good. This person is decent. This person can express their love and appreciation of you. This person is a listener. This person is open and honest. This person is fully adult and fulfils their responsibilities honorably.

And with each passing day, your love for them deepens and your appreciation of them grows along with the physical attraction.

Now, if that is settling, bring it on.

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