Is This Relationship Worth Pursuing?
November 9, 2018
You’ve been dating for this person some weeks and there’s a lot to like to be sure. For example, you enjoy each other’s company and the physical attraction, at least on your part, is undeniable. But you wonder if there could be something more – could this relationship lead to something more enduring?
Well, firstly, it’s early days, isn’t it? While you may know some things about your lover, there’s a lot more you don’t know. Sure, a bit of mystery is intriguing, but when it comes to commitment, the mystery factor is not the best predictor of long-term viability.
So, what it comes down to is getting to know this person more deeply. That requires taking some risks – taking the risk of revealing more about yourself, the deeper stuff that you normally keep hidden, because you don’t want to scare a lover off.
Those things might include your hopes and dreams for your life and what you desire in a relationship going forward. And it’s taking the risk of asking your lover what is important to them in life and relationship. You may feel some trepidation taking the relationship deeper, but these are necessary areas to explore in order to gauge how well you’ll travel together as a couple in the longer term.
Basically, what you are looking for is how well-matched are. You want to know if there is enough substance in this relationship for the long haul, especially when the going gets rough, as it inevitability will.
There are probably a lot of indicators of compatibility, but let’s look at some of the big ones.
Values. What do you value the most in yourself and in another person? By that I mean those things that you care most deeply about. These could include qualities like: trustworthiness, respect, community, creativity, compassion and spirituality. Symmetry between your values and those of your lover is essential for long-term commitment. So, take some time to consider what your most important values are, then write them down so that you are very clear about them.
Values Question: What are your values and how similar are your values to those of your lover?
Vision. What vision do you have for your life? What do you want your life to look like in 5 to 10 years from now? What kind of life do you want to create with a partner? Write this down too so that you are clear about it. As well, symmetry between your vision for the future and that of your lover is vital for long-term commitment.
Vision Question: What is your vision for your life and does your lover share a similar vision?
Physical Attraction. Physical attraction is important and not to be discounted, because it will be the glue in your relationship. It’s biological and can’t be manufactured. Sometimes it’s instantaneous and sometimes the attraction grows as you get to know someone more deeply and begin to appreciate their qualities. But it needs to be mutual.
Attraction Question: Do I feel a physical attraction to my lover and is it fully reciprocated?
Inner Knowing. What does that quiet inner voice (or your gut) tell you about this lover of yours? I refer to all those things that are beyond the workings of the mind. Your inner knowing or intuition is informed by the sum of everything about this person: their behavior, their words and everything in between. For example, remember a time when you could just sense that something was off regarding a situation or a person. Then, remember a time when you just knew that a relationship or situation felt very right. You just felt it in your bones. Too often we try to talk ourselves out of this deep knowing to our own detriment, because we allow our thinking brain to talk us out of it.
Inner Knowing Question: What does my inner knowing tell me about my lover? Do I sense that this a safe, respectful and wholesome relationship?
In conclusion, if you want to know if this relationship is worth pursuing, you’ll need to open the door to a deeper kind of intimacy between you – let’s call it emotional intimacy – that which includes and is, at the same time, beyond the physical. But you don’t need to rush it. Pace it out. Allow it to flow naturally. Just begin with your own sharing, gentle asking and attentive listening.
And don’t ignore your inner voice.