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Insecurity – A Relationship Killer

July 22, 2019


I’m often asked about how to overcome feelings of insecurity in relationships – especially when the relationship is new.

So, let’s explore the issue.

To begin with, I believe that it’s important to be specific about what is driving your insecurity. For example, you may have:

Doubts about your worthiness for love.

Doubts about your lover’s feelings for you.

Doubts about whether this relationship will last the distance.

Doubts about all of the above.

But, beneath these doubts, I’d wager that there are deeper issues that are worth uncovering, because it is likely that feeling insecure in relationships is a pattern for you.

Insecurities can ruin a potentially great relationship

“It all begins in your mind. What you give power to destroys you if you allow it.” Author Unknown

So, here are some possibilities for you to consider:

That you often make up stories about a lover’s commitment and sincerity based on little or no tangible evidence.

That your insecurities are really not caused by your lover — they are created within you. They are about your faulty beliefs. For example, you might have a mistaken belief that you are not enough or that you aren’t worthy of love.

That your insecurity and doubt as regards love and relationships are really about fear. Your That’s important because fear is a rotten partner when it comes to love as it propels us into relationships that are not good for us.

But, let’s put the focus back on you and this particular relationship.

Do yourself a favor – take this thing one step at a time

My guess is that you are skipping ahead much too quickly. Why do I say that? Because these are early days in your relationship. And after all, you are only just getting to know each other, yes?

So here are some suggestions for you to consider in this stage of the relationship:

Take your time. Relax and enjoy your time together. See this as an exciting time of discovery about this relatively new person in your life. See it as an adventure.

Don’t over-invest too early in the relationship. Just because things are going well right now, doesn’t mean that this relationship will endure in the longer term. But even if it doesn’t, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean that it wasn’t an experience worth having. And that leads to the next point.

Keep your expectations realistic in this early phase. You are testing the waters with each other. There is no time limit on the getting-to-know-you stage, because you are continuously experiencing each other in different situations and that takes time.

Don’t mask who you are. Be open and honest about what you need and want in a relationship as opposed to trying to be the person you think your lover wants you to be. In the long-term this will pay off, because healthy relationships aren’t built on falsities and pretense.

Ask your lover what their needs, desires and expectations are in a relationship so that you can see if yours and his are aligned. This exploration won’t likely happen in just one conversation, but over a series of them. So take it bit by bit.

If you feel that you can’t be yourself (i.e. be open and honest about yourself), question yourself as to why. If desperation appears anywhere on the list, then you need to take heed. Desperation, a relative of fear, drives unhealthy choices.

Avoid neediness on your part. At the same time, don’t sublimate your  legitimate needs and desires in order to please your lover.

Note what your lover says and does or doesn’t say and do. Don’t justify any concerns that come up. Just note them for later exploration with this person when the time is right.

Insecurities don’t begin with a certain relationship. Our insecurities, by and large, are what we bring to the table when we enter a relationship. So consider doing some deeper work to make yourself relationship ready by getting professional assistance, be it with a counselor, a therapist or a coach.