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Fire and Ice

April 18, 2017


“She’s fire and ice. You fear the cold and crave the burn” J.M. Storm

I’m talking, of course, about the Fire and Ice Lover.  You are captivated by their enthusiastic loving in one moment and devastated by their cold distance in the next. But still you want more.

I use the word “love” tentatively, because this isn’t love. It’s pain.

Nonetheless, I’m wagering that, regardless how painful the relationship is, you hang in there hoping things will change. True?

If so, consider this. The Fire and Ice Syndrome is just another way for this person to say, “I’m not available”.  And by not available, I mean that this person is not willing or able to truly love or commit to you, because their priorities lie elsewhere. Perhaps they are focused exclusively on their own needs, another relationship or their career. Or, perhaps, they are consumed by an addiction of one type or another. Or, maybe, they are just not that interested in you.

So, I’d invite you to…

Step out of denial

Dispense with the rose-colored glasses!  It’s time to face reality, as hard as that might be, and admit to yourself what is really going on – that this is pretty much a one-sided relationship.

And it’s time to stop justifying your lover’s behavior. Own your feelings of pain and hurt and recognize your need to be loved equally and fully with no confusion or mixed messages allowed.  You deserve better.

Acknowledge once and for all that you chose this relationship – it didn’t just happen to you. And, while you are there, consider that this relationship is probably part of a piece. It probably fits a pattern of relationship that you have engaged over a period of time, where you’ve invited others just like this person into your life. You’re attracted, against you’re best interests, to this Fire and Ice kind of loving.

Next, I’d invite you to…

Make a decision

Minimally, you could do either of two things:

Decide whether you want to accept things as they are, despite the hurt and discontent you feel, or if you want something better. If you’re going to stay in it, at least do it consciously and in full recognition of the consequences. Alternatively,

Decide that you wish to finish the pain and confusion. After all, if you want something to change, then you must change something.

If you want something to change, then…

Step into action.

Minimally, you could do either of two things:

Let him or her go or,

Engage in some serious face time with this person, the purpose being to once and for all find out if they are interested in a relationship with you or not. This requires that you take your courage into both hands and honestly and respectfully ask what this man or woman wants in a relationship. Do they want to pursue a relationship with you or not? And, critically, on what terms? Perhaps their terms are unacceptable to you. Well, that’s good to know, isn’t it?  Their response or non-response will be important to your decision-making about the on-going viability of the relationship.

Yes. It may be possible to get the relationship on an equal, reciprocal footing, where both of you are more available to each other and each of your legitimate needs can be met.  But that requires up-front honesty and heart-felt commitment on both your parts.  Unilateral commitment when it comes to relationships is meaningless.

So, the question for both of you is this: “Do you want to step up to the challenge of building a mutually satisfying relationship together?”

Now take a deep breath…