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Desperation Is Not Your Friend

October 23, 2017

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On the journey to love, desperation makes a rotten traveling partner.

Why?

Because underneath that desperation is a ton of fear. And fear takes us to bad places.  For example, when fear is in the driver’s seat:

We’re more likely to pick a make-do lover. We “settle”. And when we settle, we sell ourselves short.

We’re more likely to choose and stay with an abusive partner.

We’re more likely to repel healthy partners. People with even a modicum of self-esteem can smell desperation (and its miserable companion, neediness) coming a mile away and they will give you the big swerve.

And…

Well, I could go on, but you get the idea, yes?

So, the cogent question is what to do about it? The answer, as always, rests with you. In my view, it’s your mental machinery or mindset that requires attention.

While there is no magic fix, there are some things you can do to step out of desperation and fear and move into empowerment. Yes, empowerment. Because when you are in your power, you’ll be a heap more attractive to someone who’s worthy of you and you’ll be a heap more satisfied with the result.

So, here is a path to changing your mindset:

First. Recognize the fear that drives your quest for love when it’s operative. So, notice when you are in fear. Fear feels different in the body as opposed to e.g. feeling self-assured or feeling loved and protected. Notice the body-felt difference between those states. This is important because don’t want fear to be your driver / motivator in seeking love.

Second. Endeavor to understand the beliefs that underpin that fear. Yes, beliefs drive fear — false beliefs. Name them, then write them down. Such beliefs could include, “I’m unworthy to be loved as I am.”

Third. Interrogate the validity of the fear-based beliefs. How true are they, really? Remember, not everything you think and feel is true – especially when they are fearful thoughts and feelings. Therefore, dig below the false beliefs to find the deeper truth e.g. about your worthiness to be loved in equal measure.

Fourth. Replace the false beliefs with the truth about e.g. your worthiness. State this clearly and succinctly. Say it to yourself, then write it down and commit it to heart. Then, whenever a false belief rears its ugly head, you remind yourself of your deeper truth e.g. “I am worthy of reciprocated love with a partner who loves and values me.”

Fifth. Keep that deeper truth front and center in your heart and mind throughout your day. Be creative in doing so, e.g. design a morning and evening ritual to anchor yourself into your truth.

Sixth. Make a commitment to yourself, to one important other (e.g. a trusted friend) and to the Universe that you will stand for your truth and you will not go backward into fear. When a fearful thought arises, don’t engage it, just note it and then send it on its merry way as quickly as possible.